Mediocre

(**This is something I wrote a week or so ago, and just wanted to post it.)

It’s not a bad word. Not necessarily. It’s just frustrating. Time and time again in my life I have felt mediocre. So-so. Middle of the road. Does it ever stop? Does everyone feel like this? I know all about the grass is greener syndrome. Felt it most of my life, honestly. Thing is I have always just been okay. When I played sports growing up I was good. Never the best. Never the worst. Never won MVP for anything, never won most improved. Typically started off playing good at the beginning of the season and, even though I feel I truly tried, ended the season still just “good”. Not amazing. Not star quality. I felt looked over at all the sports banquets. I’ve never been pretty enough to be in pageants; never been ugly enough for an “Extreme Makeover”. I haven’t been fat enough for Biggest Loser; don’t work out enough to be a personal trainer or have my own fitness DVD’s. Worked my way up in one of my first jobs of adulthood to be 3rd manager…actually, did this at two different companies. Not manager, just an assistant. I always saw something shiny that would drag me off in another direction. I didn’t graduate high school at the top of my class OR at the bottom. I do believe I was smack in the middle. Didn’t completely flunk out of college, but I definitely wasn’t in the running for valedictorian either. In my various jobs I’ve held, I was always good…sometimes really good. But it always felt like someone was better. I guess it’s good to have something to strive for, right? Well, now I am married with four children. Not enough children for a reality series. The kids aren’t naughty enough for Supernanny. My husband and I don’t have one specific ridiculous problem to get us up there on the Marriage Ref. Nobody will ever knock on our door to do an Extreme Home Makeover. There will not be any telethons for us. Most recently there was some major flooding here in Nashville – you may have heard?  Well, it feels awful to say, but we didn’t even get any flood damage. I definitely don’t want this to sound like complaining. I don’t mean to make light of the fact that some people lost everything and are having to literally start from scratch. I wouldn’t trade places with those people, honestly. But I can be honest and say there is a little part of my mind which thinks, “Hmmm…think of all the people who would come out of the woodwork to help around the house if we HAD gotten hit?” It’s the same part of my mind speaking up to say, “You can’t leave your husband just because he annoys you…people would only come around to offer help if he was cheating, or abusing.” Sick thoughts, but I can’t possibly be the only one who has them! At church yesterday the pastor was telling the stories of some flood victims. I don’t doubt it is tragic that the family who just bought a home and worked their butts off to make it the perfect house for their family and then promptly lost everything in the storm. Do you think those people would ever speak up and let someone know they actually hated their furniture and are looking forward to new pieces? Do you think people might be a little glad to have the time off work and maybe they’ll use this time, not only to gut their home, but also to sneak a peek on the internet for a new job? Is it wrong to think these things? I think it is exactly what makes us human. It’s all a little bit of sinning. The green-eyed monster is always there showing us how this person is handling their situation so much better than you. This person goes to church AND Sunday School AND joins a community group, still finding time to volunteer for flood clean-up. This person has 4 kids and home-schools. Who do I think I am? I complain and I only have all four kids at home on the weekends. When my husband is there, too. It’s so easy to bog yourself down with the thoughts and dreams of a better life. Do you think rich people have these same dreams? I always thought it would just be the best thing ever to win the lottery. I wonder what stresses people out when they have all that money? Trying to decide what to do with it? Trying to agree with your spouse? Keeping your kids level-headed? All problems I would like to try to have.  Sorry, but I’ve done the paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle long enough. Always just one job loss away from having to call relatives for cash. I wouldn’t trade ANY of my blessings for others. I wouldn’t want one of my children diagnosed with cancer just so we could get a new house. I wouldn’t want to lose a child or my spouse or any family member in a tragic way, just for our spot on the nightly news. I definitely love all that I have, but I think the most basic way to put this…I want more. There. I said it. I don’t feel good about it, but I just want more! I want more money padding our bank account, I want more vacations with my family, I want more vacations with just my husband, I want more STUFF to fill my house! I want more house!! I want more clothes to choose from. I want more self-discipline to diet! I want, want, want, want. Ever feel that way? Am I the only one?