Camp Jeffries or Peanut's Playhouse?

I am on a new mission!  To write daily about the goings on in our house. 

Today was yet another snow day.  Blah.  I have given up on any thoughts of playing outdoors, building snowmen, having snowball fights, laying on the ground and making snow angels...you get the picture.  All it meant to me today was I couldn't get one single thing done on my to do list and I had to ask for one more extension on a side job I've been trying to get done.  Sigh. 

However, on a lighter note, I actually had a couple of things planned for the kids to make the day pass a little easier!  First, we made chocolate covered bananas.  Yummmm...

So, I was a little nervous about how this was going to work.  Or not work.  I could type up the boring details, or just show off the pictures!!

Yay!!  The chocolate covered bananas were a hit and there was way less mess than I was anticipating.  It was a fun snack we will be repeating, for sure.

Moving on...after all our snacking, we needed some exercise!  The kids have told me many times how much they love to do exercises.  We have tried finding videos on YouTube, but they are super cheesy and we all lose interest really fast.  So, anyway, we held a little gymnastics class.  Pictures, of course...   (guess who got a new camera this weekend??)

As you can see, headstands and somersaults were the main focus.  Conner is quite good at cartwheels, but I didn't capture any of those moments!  I have saved two pictures for the last...

First, Conner kept flipping too fast for me to catch him in a cool headstand, but then I actually got it and I think this is a great picture!!

How fun?!?  Love that Zoe is laying on the floor.  That girl got worn out from all the upside-down-ness. 

Now, for the finale.  Henry was cracking me up.  It is hard enough to try to describe to someone HOW to do a headstand.  Now, make that "someone" a 3-year old with hearing problems (genetic from his dad...I believe that call it "selective hearing"? HA)...well, I was trying.  He was trying.  It was very sweet.  Finally, I got him to put his head on the ground and I said, "Yes!  Now put your legs up in the air!"  Here is what happened...

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

We had a great day.  Here's to a great tomorrow...another. snow. day. Sigh.

Talk soon!!

Some New Things

I have had a busy few days...maybe even weeks!  I have been doing a lot of praying about my life as a stay at home mom.  I have come to the realization that I truly haven't embraced my "role" over the past year and a half.  It breaks my heart to think I have wasted so much time longing for things to be different!  However, I guess it's better to realize late than never.  So, I have decided I am going to truly live in the moment with my kids.  Be there with them fully, rather than just physically and mentally dreaming of what else I could do with my life.  The industry I came out of is not going to change no matter if I am working in it or not, so why would I waste time trying to figure out a way to get back in when it would really make NO difference?  Staying home with my children is a way to make a difference in at least four lives and countless others they will go on to influence!  Instead of brainstorming different jobs I could try to land, I have been thinking of new ways to "teach" my children.  I have never claimed to be any sort of teacher...I find it very difficult to understand why everyone can't just do the things I can.  If I show you how to do something once, I don't comprehend the fact I may have to show you again.  It's a flaw, for sure.  With this in mind, I tried to think "outside the box".  Using things we do everyday already as the base for repetition which can lead to learning...here's a couple things I have come up with.

1.  I have made menus with pictures and words describing options the kids have.  I have a breakfast, snack, lunch, and drink menus.  Each one has a picture of the option with the words printed below it.  I made these Friday night and began with the kids Saturday morning.  It has gone very well so far!  I read the words to the kids and they, of course, recognized the pictures.  My plan is to have out the one they are allowed to choose from.  The breakfast one will come out first thing in the morning, obviously, but I would like to ONLY have the snack menu out throughout the day.  When it comes close to lunch time, they can choose from the lunch menu, then switch back to the snack menu.  I feel like I am accomplishing many different things with this technique.  For one, the kids get to SEE all of their options before choosing.  Some days I have asked the kids what they want for breakfast and received a few answers.  When I make the bowl of cereal for one and then turn around and make eggs for another, cereal chooser inevitably will change his mind to eggs!  This way, they are seeing all of the options and can make their choices based on the human stomach/mind connection.  Or whatever.  I realize there are moms out there who make one thing and the kids need to eat it, but this is what works for us.  I don't mind making four different dishes...if it keeps them from crying!  I do get annoyed, however, when I make something and it doesn't get eaten.  Mainly because then I find myself eating it.  Ha!  This is also teaching them to read!  Taking the guess work out of my grocery shopping is another benefit.  I can just use these as a basis for items I always want to keep in the house.  Breakfast menu has 5 options, snack has 6 options, lunch has 5 options, and the drink menu has 4.  This brings me to my next idea...

2.  I will be cutting out shapes from the boxes/bags of items I buy regularly.  These things will all be in uniform shapes to create "flash cards" we will take to the grocery store and whichever child is with me, will be able to match the cards with the products we need!  I am quite tired of having to distract the kids with food while we go through the store.  Also, sometimes I will let them get their own cart and then just have to weed through the things at the checkout to make sure nothing slips by that wasn't actually on the list.  It will get the kids involved with their own tasks, and, hopefully, keep them from being distracted by cookies and candies they feel they MUST have! 

As I said, these are just a couple of things I have thought of so far.  I have a dear friend who is going to come over and help us in a couple of weeks to build a garden and begin planting some veggies and herbs.  I do not have a green thumb (more like black!), so I stressed to her the importance of very hardy plants!  I will be teaching the kids "cooking" on a weekly basis.  I plan to frequent the zoo lots once the weather starts cooperating, and I even have an idea to start a monthly storytime here at our house!  We have set up some play dates with some new friends and those have been going very well. 

I feel really good about the role God has placed me in.  A good friend reminded me today how I used to say, "I could NEVER stay home with all my kids!"  Be careful when you challenge God with things you don't think you can do.  It hasn't been a completely smooth road to get to this place, but I'm very happy today and I think I may just have parts of this mom thing figured out.  Do note, I said "parts"...probably should have even made the font smaller.  I know I have a longer road ahead with the twists and turns of childhood leading into tweenhood and then teenage years?  OMG.  I think I'll just stick with thinking about today and maybe a little about tomorrow.  Next week can wait. 

Talk soon!

It's a Wonderful Life!

Last night I took the boys to the church for free hot dogs and a viewing of the Veggie Tales movie, It's a Meaningful Life.  SO cute.  Of course, the kids liked the cartoon and the funny parts - boys throwing snowballs, a football player (cucumber) getting tackled - but I really enjoyed the message!  It's amazing how much life can bog you down and the simplest lessons you have learned time and time again just somehow get misplaced in the chaos.  How can I thank God every single morning and every single night for the life He has blessed me with...then turn around and be frustrated during the day that things aren't different?  The human brain is amazing.  Amazingly dumb.  Ha, ha!

So, I've been thinking about my life and my blessings and what sort of plans I had when I was younger.  I never had a "dream" of my life going one way or the other.  I remember telling my mom, "I will never have kids."  (I have four)  I remember thinking I would never get married.  (Going on 6 years now)  I always was a believer and a prayer, but I never thought I would be active within one church. 

I remember when I received the official word that I had failed the eighth grade.  At the time, I was very concerned with being "cool" and uncaring about it, but I couldn't help remember all the kids I had made fun of in elementary and middle school when they failed a grade or were held back.  Unfortunately, I was able to attend summer school and move on to my freshman year without having to ever face the truth.  I say unfortunately because the summer school I went to was considerably easier than the magnet school I had been accepted to and I actually was able to "pass" by grading other students' papers and assisting the teachers.  Let's be honest - at the time, I (and my parents) would NOT have stood for that not being an option, but I can also say that in retrospect I never felt bad about failing that grade. 

A year or two ago, I had a thought of a book I would like to write.  For those who know me, I come up with book ideas on a pretty regular basis.  This one, though, has stuck in my head and I may even get an outline written at some point!  Anyway, the gist is two stories going alongside each other.  Every other chapter being written in one or the other story line.  The story would be my life as it has happened since meeting Shaun (my husband), and the alternate being what would have happened had we not met that night.  I have been told to rent the movie "Sliding Doors".  I have changed my thought of the ending several times.  Not to mention the thoughts of the events in the story that wasn't! 

Watching the movie last night and remembering God has a plan and his plan is better than I could ever dream, has been my happy thought today.  There is snow on the ground and it's freezing outside and we are looking at yet another day cooped up together.  I am sick of watching the same movies, sick of playing with the same toys, sick of all the whining and complaining and fighting.  However, the better way of looking at this would be - the sun is shining on all of the lovely snow outside!  We have tons of toys to play with!  We have a playroom in this new house!  We have plenty of food to snack all day while we watch silly movies!  We will all be together and enjoying each other's company.  Fighting (that isn't truly caused by anger and a desire to hurt) indicates a level of intimacy you can only reach with your family.  Complaining and whining occurs because my kids know I will love them forever no matter what and they can truly voice their feelings without fear of being hurt or punished.  These are all natural, human ways of expressing frustration and sleepiness...I am happy to have normal, human children!

We are going to have a good day. 

Talk soon!

Ah. Dieting...well, sort of.

Remember not that long ago when I set "goals" and one of those was to lose weight?  Yeah.  BOOOOO.  I hate dieting.  I love to work out, but have yet to figure out the logistics of finding time to get to the gym - or the actual desire when the time is found. 

The past several days I have been getting sick and I am trying to figure out why.  After talking with a friend yesterday, I am beginning to think I may have developed an intolerance for dairy products.  Yet another BOOOOOO.  I love cheese.  Love it, love it, love it.  It's so yummy, I can snack on it all day and never get sick of it.  Cheese makes my world go round.  I would DIE if I really can't eat cheese anymore.  DIE.  So, starting last night, I cut out dairy.  I figured I might as well try to shape up the other things I eat while I'm killing myself.  So, today was day one of truly trying to be smart about everything that goes into my mouth.  I stayed out of the kitchen as much as possible, even if the kids were eating.  I would make them their plates and then head to the play room or clean the bedrooms or just sit on the couch.  After breakfast was all done and I had cleaned up the kitchen, I did "exercises" with the kids.  It was totally cute.  We did some laps around the house, jumping jacks, push ups, sit ups, arm rolls...it was a good time!  As was to be expected, the kids tried to take it too far and kind of ruined the good time after about 20 minutes, but I still felt good about getting up and moving.  I even managed to keep the tv off all morning!  We had a dance party in the playroom, and ate a nice lunch together.  The twins took a great nap, and Zoe at least attempted one. 

So, I made a rice/chicken/tomatoes/green beans dish this evening that was a big hit with everyone!  It was very healthy and everyone ate their fill...even without any cheese.  I did sprinkle some Parmesan on the dairy eaters' plates...not as much as usual, but I didn't want everyone having to go cold turkey. 

I feel fine.  I'm not really super hungry.  I only got sick twice today and it was pretty significantly less than the past week has been, so maybe I'm on to something?

Super tired, but that's probably just a little detox.  Ha, ha.

Talk soon!

2011, Welcome!

I'm not making resolutions this year.  I will, instead, make some goals.  Serious goals.  Goals I intend to hold myself accountable for and REACH!

1.  LOSE WEIGHT.  A lot of weight.  I don't own a scale and don't plan to buy one.  Let's just say I would like for NONE of my current wardrobe to fit me by the summer.  Or, at the latest, when Conner starts school in the fall!  This will all-encompass the goal of regular walks around the neighborhood, playing with the kids, 8 glasses of water a day, less food intake, etc.

2.  TAKE BETTER CARE OF MYSELF.  This includes a strict washing my face/brushing my teeth routine.  I know this may seem silly and basic, but I truly forget myself quite often.  I need to tweeze my eyebrows regularly, get my hair cut when it needs it, keep my nails trimmed.  You know those things that are second nature?  Yep, I'm on it this year.

3.  Save money for our anniversary.  We WILL journey back to Vegas this year.  I am going to do as much "side work" as possible and save every dime I can to purchase the trip.  I would love to purchase in time for Shaun's birthday in July...if that's even possible for a November trip?  Anyway, at least have most or all of the money saved by then.

4.  Pampered Chef monthly parties at my house, hosted by me.  I need to stay "active" as a consultant until Conner goes off to school and I see about affording more daycare for the other three.  I truly love the products and I know I can do it (be a consultant), so I want to stay active while I figure the other parts of my life out.  $150 a month in sales is all I need...SO doable!

5.  Stay in touch with family.  I intend to send out birthday cards and keep track via Facebook with some, posting videos and pictures of the kids.  This requires a book of stamps to be kept at home, daily checking of Facebook, and actually creating videos and pictures of the kids! 

I am sure I have so many more, but my cute daughter is being super sweet and silly right now, so I need to go. 

Talk soon!

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

What defines you?  What defines me?  Who am I?  I know I am mother to four crazy cool children, wife to a very sweet husband, daughter to my fabulous parents, and sister to my witty and charming sibling...but beyond that?  Is there something that is just mine?  Just me?  Here is what I know about myself.

The Good:  I can type fast and accurately.  I can be very organized, I love when things are straight and in alphabetical order.  I love to write.  I love to read.  I can laugh long and hard and have even found myself at times thinking I just may pass out and die from a case of the giggles!  I love people.  I feel like I can find the good in almost anyone.  I am quite chatty, but I do feel I can be a good listener.  I have a quick mind, I am good in a crunch.  I have always known that I do just about everything in life at a very fast pace.  I love to work out once I get going.  I have recently completely accepted the Christian life and LOVE it!

The Bad:  I bite my nails.  I chew my lip and cheek.  I smoked for about 10 years (sort of off and on).  I love to drink to excess when I have no responsbilities (yeah, it's been a while).  I can get angry pretty easily.  I like to yell.  Frustration causes me to throw things.  I can be flippant or aloof about things sometimes when others are seriously feeling stressed.  I am forgetful - way more now than ever before!  I can be lazy.  I gossip.  I judge people rather quickly.  I can hold a grudge...ooh, boy, can I hold a grudge! 

The Ugly:  I have slept with friends' boyfriends.  I have cheated on my own boyfriends.  I have been raped.  I have had an abortion.  I have driven drunk many, many times.  One of those times resulted in the death of a homeless (also drunk) man.  I completed 28 days in rehab, and 127 days in a correctional facility.  I have driven drunk even after that incident.  *I do have to say not many times and definitely not AS drunk.  Still doesn't make it right, but I feel like I have to defend myself a little?*

This is my list.  Maybe not all-inclusive, but it's what has come to mind this evening.  I feel like God has put me through all of these experiences - from The Good, Bad, AND Ugly - for a reason.  Maybe even for lots of reasons.  I have most recently begun praying for Him to guide me to a person or persons whom I could help.  Maybe someone out there thinks they will never be able to have a "normal" life?  Maybe there is a woman who just feels like she will never find someone to love her with all of her "flaws"?  Maybe it's someone I don't even think I could help in any way?  All of the above, even? 

I still don't feel like any of these things is what defines the REAL Audrey.  I know I could make an amazing difference and I could glorify God and truly show the world (or one person) how amazing His grace is and how wonderful life can be no matter what you have experienced or done in the past.  The past is past.  The future is unknown, but what you make of the present is what, I believe, defines you.

What am I doing today?

Today I am a mother to four beautiful, silly, wild children.  Three boys with the endurance of an entire track team and the energy of a rugby team; One little girl who has stolen my heart and melts me every time she smiles.  I am the wife of a wonderful husband who has his flaws, of course, but is still the sexiest man I know.  He is handy around the house, can fix (or rig) anything, and puts up with my every mood and whim.  I am friend to some of the most amazing women I have ever known.  Women who I haven't known long, but have watched me grow in my faith over the past year and truly seen me mature in ways nobody else has ever witnessed.  I am daughter to my parents who are still together after almost 32 years of marriage, still frustrated over each others faults, and still in awe of each other's strengths.  I am sister to the funniest, most outgoing girl I have ever met.  She loves to learn, loves to laugh, and loves to be silly.  There is a man out there who will be blessed enough one day to call her his wife and I cannot wait to meet him.

These are my "positions" on a daily basis, but I still struggle quite regularly with the burning question of WHO. AM. I?  Without any of these people in my life...would I still love to cook if I wasn't preparing food for my family?  Would I still love to talk if I didn't have great friends there listening?  Would I still love to rearrange furniture and watch movies if it wasn't in my Home with my sweet kids and husband?  OR  Would I be going out every night drinking at the bar?  Would I be super career driven and working long, long hours?  Would I still be traveling every 6 weeks to a new city, making new "disposable" friends every month?

I prefer my life now.  There is no doubt about that.  I am happy to be who I am to my friends a family, I just feel like God wants more from me.  I feel like I missing the boat somewhere that I could be out there shouting from the rooftops how good He is!  I feel like there are opportunities left and right I am allowing to pass me by!  I have all sorts of excuses, but I hear God loud and clear that it is time to drop the excuses and dive in.  What's the worst that can happen?  I worry that I will break down crying if I have to tell my whole story.  I worry that someone will take something the wrong way and stop listening.  I worry that I will offend someone, or be asked a question about the gospel or Bible that I can't answer! 

Shut up, right?  Just do it.  God will catch me if I fall and everything will work out JUST the way it is supposed to...

Gospel Transformation: Lesson 5

I was going to just quickly look over my Bible Study lesson for this week, and the first question really moved me to do more than just answer it to myself.

What was your relationship with your father like growing up?  If you did not have a father growing up, substitute your mother or guardian.

Not have a father?  I can't imagine.  I love my father.  I think the world of him.  Since getting married and starting a family I have discovered ways he may have been difficult for my mom, but I have always only had stars in my eyes when it came to my dad.  He is the smartest man I know.  I can ask him a question about nearly ANYTHING and he has an answer.  I feel like growing up he was tough.  He never "scared" me, but I hated to disapoint him.  I absolutely LOVED to tell him good news.  I loved to brag to him when I got good grades, scored well on a test, just about anything good in school.  It made me fill with joy when I was able to tell him something impressive I did while playing sports.  I longed to please him all the time.  His laugh has always made me happy.  He and I shared a love of reading while I was growing up, and I could just sit in a room with him and read for hours.  I still remember him teaching me to ride a bike.  In the church parking lot behind our house, I had a red bicycle and he kept telling me that I wasn't even using my training wheels, so why don't we just take them off?  We did and I remember being so nervous, but fully trusting that he would never let me get hurt.  When I was a freshman in high school we moved to a bigger house and we had a basketball goal in the driveway.  I wanted so badly to be good at basketball because I knew dad really liked watching the games.  We would shoot hoops outside and he was always better than me, but nothing made me hold my head as high as when he would compliment one of my shots.  I always felt like my dad was completely honest with me...maybe sometimes to a fault.  His praise made my day.  Negative words would crush me so hard.  I do have memories of him being angry and I recall just thinking, thinking, thinking about what I could do to make him happy again.  My dad wasn't perfect...nobody's perfect.  My dad was the most perfect dad for me.  His honesty and bluntness has made me who I am today, and it has given me an appreciation for the truth and people who tell it.  Now that I am older (and wiser?), I can appreciate his humor.  I enjoy talking to him, talking at him, talking with him.  Just hanging out with my dad is a good day for me.  I miss him like crazy. 

This is supposed to be indicative of the way I view my heavenly father.  Yeah, I'm good with that. 

My book says, "A good father provides a picture of what God is like."  At my church, on Father's Day, we have a guest pastor who is very adamant about the importance of a good father in the home.  I had that.  I still do.  My father loves me with every ounce of his heart and he shows it.  His sometimes strict, often relaxed, always honest way of dealing with me has brought me up to be the person I am proud to be today.  I know I married a man with a lot of similarities to my own dad, and I am happy to say I wouldn't have it any other way.

Bible Study day!

Bible study Wednesdays.  LOVE IT!  I have made a commitment to one year of Gospel Transformation.  I wasn't sure at first, but I definitely felt led in that direction...some by God, some by my favorite fellow worshippers.  Either way we've officially started and I felt really good about today.

One of our readings this past week was Genesis 1:1-31.  The creation.  I haven't read it in several months, and I really tried to concentrate on what I could get out of the reading that I maybe hadn't gotten before.  What stuck out to me most was the phrase, "and there was evening, and there was morning".  All of the wonderful, amazing, beautiful creations he was working on and each compilation ended with that line.  Two things struck me as important.  First of all, the simplicity of the phrase.  As though each day really only boiled down to evening and morning.  The second part is that evening came first.  When I think of days going by, I usually think of the day and then the night as a part of that day.  The way this is worded is as though the work took place during the night.  I love the image this creates for me!  Think of night falling and all of the brilliant work being done...the light and the sky and the seas and the land and the animals and the plants and the seasons and the days and the years.  All of these things being created overnight and when the light came and it was morning and it was all good.  This causes peace in my mind.

Each day I try to live in the moment.  Not quite to the extreme of treating each one as though it is my last, but more treating each one as though it is a first.  Regardless of what happens at 11:30 (frustrations with the kids, crying, whining, dropping an egg on the floor - true story), 11:35 can be different!  It can be worse, of course, but I have all the faith in the world that it can also be BETTER.  Much better!  11:47 might be another tough few minutes, but who knows what noon will bring?  God knows.  If I'm truly going to believe He loves me for me and loves all things I do and forgives my sins and inconsistencies, then I truly have to believe the tough times will come and go and the great times will do the same.  Hopefully more often! 

I had a plan for today, and very little of it has gone accordingly.  However, I know He had a plan for today and it's gone perfectly.  So, why don't I just let Him do the planning, while I sit back and enjoy the ride?

Talk soon.

Happy Days are here again!

Wow.  I promise you, each and every time I get to my "breaking point", God reminds me of how good He is and how much He wants me happy in my life!

Great week.  I have decided being a one car family is only going to bring us closer.  It is not ideal, and I hope to have a solution come around soon.  HOWEVER, driving Shaun, aka "Daddy", to work every morning is kind of fun.  It gives us a reason to get up when the kids get up, get dressed, and get out the door at an actual designated time.  We made it to the park early on Tuesday and I enjoyed watching the four kids play together.  The weather has come around to being "nice" and we took full advantage!  Something about actually getting outdoors has equalled out to lots of napping this week...not so much with Zoe, but it's a process, I understand that. 

So, yes, Tuesday morning we hit up the park until the twins had to be at school at 9.  I took Conner and Zoe downtown to the library for story time and that was really fun.  In fact - the two kiddos were so good at storytime and afterwards, we headed up to Sweet CeCe's for a yummy treat! 

Now I can't figure out how to get it off "center alignment".  Grrr.

Sorry!  Anyway, Wednesday we played in the gym all morning and wore some little butts OUT!  Everyone took a nap that day, so we headed up to the park close to Shaun's work when they all woke up.  The kids are finally at that super fun age where they play with each other and they make friends at parks and play with them and I really don't have to do much, if any, referreeing.  I love it!  I can just sit back and laugh at their goofiness!  Well, and follow Zoe who is super good at climbing up things.

Yesterday and today were also great in the way of beautiful weather outside and happy kids.  As I mentioned, driving Shaun to work really hasn't been much of a bother.  All four kids have been home for the past three days and it has gone way better than I was expecting.  Always nice when that happens.

Zoe said what we are going to forever refer to as her first word.

"Hot. Rod."

That's right!  The boys' favorite book is a book about cars and last night they kept saying, "Hot Rod!  Hot Rod!"  All of a sudden, we hear Zoe say very loudly, "Hah Rah!!"  Now she will repeat everytime she hears anyone say it.  It is the most awesome thing you have ever heard.  She is so cute and it is a perfect first for her!  She also claps her hands quite a bit when she says it.  Adds to the cuteness.

This has led me to change her first birthday party theme - which was going to be "formal" - to some sort of Hot Rod theme.  I'll figure out something fabulous.  Memorable.  Something the other kids will talk about for years!  Or maybe just days.  Or minutes.  Either way...it'll be fun for me.  And isn't that who the first birthday party is truly all about?  Momma?  That's right.

I'm thinking the twins can have the formal theme.  Love it!

Talk soon.

Negative Post

Sorry, folks, it's been a rough few days.  ROUGH.  Shaun's car died on Friday.  One car for a family of six is kind of ridiculous.  I'm sure lots of people do it, but maybe those people don't have four small children.  Or maybe I'm just spoiled.  If so, fine, I will admit to it.  It's not even like Shaun drives his car all that much, but he was on call this weekend and actually got called in both Saturday AND Sunday.  Plus he got called out for a quick side job.  Add to this Zoe's extreme fussiness, the boys' extreme restlessness and wanting to get out of this house, MY extreme short temperedness coming off a long week.  Yeah, I'm sure you can "do the math". 

Today has been interesting.  I knew coming in to this day, that things would be a little off - we had to drop off Shaun at work by 8 and Zoe's doctor appointment wasn't until 9:15.  The boys were super good for these two things...well, "super" might be an overstatement.  The doctor's office was a little frustrating.  The thing is - the kids are really good, but only if they are getting 100% attention with everything centering around them.  Easy enough for a daycare to provide, but not so easy when I have to actually live my life at the same time.  The doctor wants to talk about Zoe, but I have three others tugging on my pant leg and trying to show me various things in the doctor's office.  Not anything important, of course.  Never is.  Sorry, but it's true!  They will "mommy, mommy, mommy" for thirty minutes all to say, "Hi."  Literally.  Or, "um, um, um.  What you doing?"  Annoying.  Not cute.

Anyway, after the doctor's visit including two shots for Zoe  :(  , I decided we would head to the YMCA.  Then Zoe fell asleep in the car, so I switched directions and went home.  Zoe stayed asleep and I set the boys up to paint with marshmallows!  That was fun.  Unfortunately, fun doesn't last long in this house.  30 minutes was great and then they were just making as big a mess as possible.  When I didn't get mad about this, they went to the bathroom to try to create some mess in there.  I swear they enjoy being in trouble.  SO, "paints" (condensed milk and food coloring) were cleaned up and the painting hung outside to dry.  Zoe was still sleeping, and the boys had eaten lunch, so I turned on a movie to see if they would fall asleep?  It was only 11 am, but early nap was sounding good to me!  Sigh.  No such luck.  Zoe woke up, I tried to nurse her back down, but no.  Since everyone was awake, I took them to the Y then.  At noon.  On the drive there they started telling me they were "tired".  Awesome.  Still went and I got in a good thirty minute workout and shower.  Feeling refreshed!  Ready to hang out with the kids!  Ready to get them to nap! 

Fast forward a little bit to now.  Conner is up.  Jack is up.  Zoe is up.  Sweet boy Henry is napping and has been since 2:30 (it's 3:30).  Zoe was nursing like a champ after a big lunch of ravioli, and she was totally asleep when Jack began yelling from the bathroom, "Uh-oh, mommy, it's spilling."  Yeah.  The toilet was spilling.  AKA overflowing.  Fantastic.  I jumped up, waking Zoe, ran into the bathroom and totally ruined the excitement of Jack pooping in the potty by himself (for the second time today!) by yelling at him for using about a quarter of a roll of toilet paper to "wipe".  I do have to admit, however, that he did a pretty good job of wiping.  Ha.  It's how I get through these moments.

Now I'm dealing with three crabby kids who are pretending to not be tired by running up and down the hallway and laughing.  They have told me they will NOT go with me to pick up daddy in an hour and they don't care if the tv is off because they will just go to my room and turn on that tv.  So, I unplugged all the televisions and am about ready to just set them outside...let them run free and move in with a new family. 

I am just so frustrated!!!!  People are forever telling me what great kids I have.  Yeah, sure, they're great.  Not to me.  They treat me AWFUL.  I'm sure some expert would say it's my fault.  Somehow I have "ruined" them and spoiled them and that is why they have an inability to speak to me with any amount of respect.  Thing is this - I use please and thank you all of the time when speaking to them.  I ask them to do things in a very nice tone, ask them several times in fact.  Always using "please".  Saying "thank you" when they (finally) do something I have asked of them.  This is what I get in return:

Conner yelling:  I'm hungry!!!!!
Ignoring...
Conner yelling:  MOM, I SAID I'M HUNGRY!
Me:  Conner, I heard you, I just don't appreciate your tone of voice.  You know the correct way to ask for something.
Time passes....
Conner:  Mom, I said you better get me something to eat!  I'm hungry!!!
Ignoring...

This goes on and on and on.  If I say (again, for the umpteenth time), "Conner, you need to ask me nicely."  He will very rudely huff a big sigh and yell, "PLEASE!"  Yeah, that doesn't count.  The kid is four years old.  He definitely knows better.  Not to mention his daycare teacher would never allow him to speak that way, so I know he doesn't say it that way to her. 

You know what?  Even typing this pisses me off.  These kids will be lucky to make it to 5.

Talk soon.

"Mommy's Issue"

As a native Nashvillian, the humidity lately is no surprise.  However, somehow the temperatures truly are ridiculous beyond belief this year?  I'm dying.  Could be the temps.  Could be the extra 60 pounds on my frame.  Could be the fact that my kids canNOT do anything at a normal pace.  They are s-l-o-w.  Quick to say a swear word in public!  Slow to get out of the car and into the air conditioned house.

I have started really trying to take a deep breath and mentally sort out different situations I encounter in my day to realize whether my frustrations are stemming from something the KIDS are doing or if it is my own issue.  "Mommy's Issue"  I am not shy to admit it is quite often a mommy issue.  For example, when I can't find anything to wear because all of my clothes are too small or too tight or have strange stains (spit-up?) on them, and one of the boys is trying to help me by putting the clothes away as I tear them off my body and throw them on the bed - when they inevitably get in my way and I feel ready to scream, this is mommy's issue.  See how that works?  Today, I had to pee SO bad, I am holding the 23 pound baby girl I affectionately have begun referring to as "Brutus", it is 96 degrees outside with a humidity of, like, 7,000%, and did I mention I was about to wet my pants?!?  Oh yes, and holding both of the boys' backpacks and their empty lunchbox and my heavy purse with all of the mail in it...Jack and Henry decide to fight over who gets to bring in the new box of toys the neighbor brought over this morning.  REALLY?!?  Please just get inside!  My gut reaction was to scream at them to, "Get your butts inside!  I will carry the toys!"  Nevermind my hands were already full, right?  So, deep breath.  Think it over.  Did I need to bring ALL of those things inside right now?  No.  Can Zoe sit on her bottom in the grass while I attempt to break up the fight?  Yes.  DEEEEEEEP breath.  "Boys, this is mommy's issue.  She has to pee very bad and is a little frustrated about the ridiculous fight you have gotten in to.  Please, can we just go inside, play with our new toys, and let mommy get into the bathroom?"  Guess what?  It worked!  We went inside and started a whole new fight about why we can't throw toys.  Still.  It's nice and cool in the house.  And there's a bathroom!

By the way - the word "why" is about to be banned in our house.  Fine, you are a curious toddler.  Sometimes, however, there is just not an answer to the question "why".  There just isn't.  Guess what answer comes at those times?  "Because I said so!"  Oh yes, thanks mom.  I swore I'd never say it.  Actually, I think I've kind of been waiting to use that line.  So, Henry's favorites are "why?" and "what?"  We're pretty sure the "what" comes from our inability to understand him for a long time...even know we're at about a 75% understanding of his speech.  So, conversations with Henry used to go as follows:

Henry:  "I'ma doodin lee fy-ny."
Me or Shaun:  "What?"
Henry:  "I'm A DOODIN FY-NY!"
Me or Shaun:  "Uh.  Yes?"

Conversations with Henry now go something like this:

Henry:  "I want some foo snacks."  (fruit snacks)
Me or Shaun:  "First, you need to eat your dinner."
Henry:  "What?"
Me or Shaun:  "Eat your dinner."
Henry:  "I'ma doodin fy-ny?"
Me or Shaun:  "What?  Is that a question?"
Henry:  "What?"
Me or Shaun:  "Dinner?"
Henry:  "Okay."

That is pretty much a direct quote.  Don't you wish you could hang at our house??

Talk soon!

How you ask?

I get asked on a regular basis how I "do it".  I don't have an answer for that.  Honestly, I think we all just do what we can each day and plug along.  I don't think an hour goes by without some prayers being lifted up from me...I know there is a lot of deep breath-takin' and mercy-askin', that's for sure!  Today could have been super stressful, but I didn't allow myself to think beyond the next thirty minutes (give or take).  I had a lot to do, but absolutely nobody was going to lose a limb if I didn't get it all done before a certain time.

We got back in to town from our Virginia trip around 9:30 last night.  The final hour of the drive was kind of tense because Zoe was FREAKING out in her carseat and causing everyone to be on edge, so I pulled over for Shaun to begin driving.  His license expired on his birthday this year (July 11th), so he really didn't want to drive at all....especially at night....with me holding the baby.....and then it began to rain!  So, with all these "wammies" on his shoulders, we were all holding our breath until he pulled in to the drive.  We got the boys inside (discovered they had smeared caramel in their hair, thank you apple dippers and sauce!), changed diapers, wiped off what I could, and put them in bed.  Same with Zoe.  We unpacked the van quickly and hopped in to bed.  Zoe was up every couple of hours overnight.  Loudly crying, inconsolable without nursing - good times, right?  Thinking it was a bit of a stomach ache...lots of yummy food at grandma's may not have sat well with her.  Bringing us to today.

Very little sleep on my part, Conner's daycare is still "on vacation", and the twins had "swim day" at school today.  Not to mention, Henry's ENT appointment at 2:30.  Okay, no big deal.  Start with a good breakfast!  I firmly believe in breakfast.  I love breakfast.  Every morning, I make sure my kiddos eat breakfast.  Their favorite is pancakes...mine, too.  This morning was no different.  Whipped up some pancakes, ate together at our silly kitchen table.  Silly = too large for our small kitchen, but just right for our large family!  Shaun left for work around 7:30 and I decided that was a good time to begin unpacking.  Started slowly.  Kids' stuff first.  Then I remembered there were clothes in the dryer...including the twins' bathing suits.  Necessary for swim day!  Began folding clothes.  Conner was chilling on the couch, watching America's Funniest Home Videos (love!), while Jack read him a book.  Maybe even a couple of books.  Zoe was crawling everywhere, seemingly excited about being back home.  Henry was....well, Henry was whining.  And following me everywhere.  I consider that a good morning.  If I only have one hanging on my leg, I practically feel light as a feather!  Got most of the laundry put away, changed Jack and Henry into swim diapers and bathing suits, and this is when Conner realized he was NOT in a bathing suit.  Some discussion between us about what we were going to do that day.  This does get a bit tricky.

Me:  Conner, the boys are going to school and they are swimming at school.  We are going to storytime at the library!
Jack:  I want to go to storytime.
Me:  No, Jack, you get to go swimming!
Conner:  I want to go swimming!

See how this can be tricky?  Nobody is ever happy with what they are "scheduled" to do.  Kind of doesn't change in adulthood, does it?  Slathered 'em up with sunscreen and away we went!  We dropped the twins off at Parent's Day Out, and I took Conner and Zoe to the downtown library for storytime.  I love it there.  Zoe was having almost more fun than Conner!  She is SUCH a little social butterfly!  No matter how cranky the girl is or should be, she lights up when other people come around.  It's awesome.  After storytime (10:30 am), I was watching the clock a bit...knowing lunch needed to happen, and some nap, and some grocery shopping, all before picking up the twins by 2:00 to make it to the doc appointment on time.  Conner needed to go to the bathroom, so we headed home.  I nursed Zoe, Conner did his business, and we headed back out to the grocery.  All of my kids love to go grocery shopping.  I'm not sure what is their favorite part, but they all get excited when you mention the word!  They know Publix and Kroger.  They even know some of the workers!  Not sure what to think about this. 

Grocery shopping was pretty uneventful.  Conner and Zoe ate some of the sample food and then smeared it on each other.  I managed to stick to my list - a first!  We headed home for some lunch.  I was kind of thinking naps would happen, but no such luck.  Conner did fall asleep for about half an hour, but Zoe was having none of that.  Turns out power naps are the new black for infants.  At least my infant.  We ate some lunch, and left the house at 2.  Ten minutes later than I wanted to leave, but Conner looked so sweet sleeping on the couch!  At the daycare, the boys had apparently just fallen asleep around 1:40.  Fabulous.  Woke them up, put them in the car, and headed downtown to the doc's office.  I explained to the kids on the way there that I need "best behavior".  Would you believe they listened?  Holding hands in the parking lot!  Not running through the halls!  Going straight to the toy corner and playing together!  Who are these kids???  Henry ended up needing his ears cleaned out, and the kid didn't make a peep!  What is this all about?  We got home in time for me to start dinner and all four were playing nicely together, running around the house and yelling loudly, of course, but playing without prompting from me!  Love it.  We had a yummy Sloppy Joe and peas dinner, one of my good friends stopped by to bring some stuff over, and then we headed them all to their rooms for "ni-night".  Zoe took about 20 minutes, but there wasn't one objection from the boys. 

I love nights like these.  I thank God for the patience and perseverance to make it through the tough moments.  I also ask God to remind me of the good times when I'm steaming mad about something ridiculous that, "too, shall pass".

Talk soon!

Greetings from Virginia!

We are here in VA visiting my parents and, hopefully, some extended family we haven't seen in a couple of years. I'm sure it goes without saying that the drive here was interesting. Not bad, though! Definitely could have been worse. We got up around 5:40 am and changed diapers on the boys and loaded all four up in the car. I rearranged a little bit and had the twins and Zoe in the way back seat, Conner in the middle, and I am driving because Shaun's license has expired. I had packed Thursday night and completely loaded up the van so we were ready to hit the road! The kids were all super excited to head off to "gramma jacie's", so they didn't go back to sleep right away, but Jack didn't last too, too long. Unfortunately, the other three fought it for a while. Thank God for our VCR under the passenger seat! We started off with Monsters, Inc., then Shaun hopped in the back and all five of them watched his high school all star hockey game. Hilarious. The kids were really excited and I have to tell you Shaun was super excited as well. Reliving his glory days. After stopping for about 40 minutes at Hardee's and then a fun walk around the building "marching" and "high-stepping" and walking backwards (my idea of getting that last bit of energy out!), we put on The Wizard of Oz and all the kids proceeded to fall asleep. Ahhhh. We arrived at Grandma's house around 3:30 VA time, so we made really good time! The kids ran their butts off outside in the 100 degree weather, getting muddy and sweaty and just gross. After bath and some fighting, they finally crashed out in beds.

Zoe has just blossomed like I could have never predicted. She is such her own little person now and she just LOVES attention!! Especially from her brothers! She had tubes put in both ears last Wednesday and she has bounced back very well.

I'm going to insert some pictures taken this evening at my mom's restaurant. She is having an all-night jazz jam from 5 pm till 5 am, so she is gonna be a little sleepy in the morning! We took the kids (and grampa) for dinner and some "dancing". Everyone is already sacked out as I type this and I am not far behind! :)

Jack

Shaun

Henry

Shaun and Grampa Gary (my dad)

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Zoe loving spaghetti

Conner "playing" sax

Friends

How do you know a friend is a true friend? How do you decide when they have earned your trust? When do you divulge details of your life that you wouldn't just ramble out to a complete stranger? I struggle with this. I am an open book. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too open...do I scare people off? My husband thinks I read too much into other's actions. For example, if I meet another mother and our children are the same ages, I feel like this is a good reason to have a playdate, yes? And when we schedule this playdate, I try my hardest to follow the courteous "rules"...if we are at the other person's house, I always have intentions of cleaning up after my children and bringing food and snacks for my children - sometimes even enough for their child(ren). However, we all know what can happen with even the BEST of intentions! The truth is I have a lot of kids. They are small kids. They are not the best behaved. We have a pretty regular routine which includes eating at regular intervals and napping at close to the same time each day. We don't plan more than one thing a day...it just gets too complicated. So, when I say these things out loud and openly to another parent during planning phase, I feel like they should be respected, right? I will bend over backwards to be in a position where we are hanging with another family...mostly because I CRAVE adult time. I love to talk about "the way we were", I love laughing about pre-kid days, I love complaining about my husband.

All of this being said, lately I have been on some "playdates" - let's say in the past several months - and never heard from the other again. "Never" is a harsh word. I usually see these people around somehow...and maybe there are words exchanged of how "we should get together soon!" Unfortunately, any attempt of mine to schedule something is usually countered with an excuse of being out of town or something else is already scheduled, etc. Shaun thinks I'm being sensitive. On one hand, yes, it's the summer. People vacation often in the summer. Well, some people do. Lucky them. I realize people have family members come into town during these months, too. It's just....well, I don't honestly know what "it's just". I want some friends who I am comfortable with! I want friends who WANT to hang out with me and my kids! I want friends who will say out loud to me, "Yes, I would love for you to come over. Anytime." And MEAN IT! A standing weekly playdate would rock my world. Someone who's parenting tactics I relate to and agree with...someone who's children get along well with mine...someone who doesn't mind switching off hosting and guesting.

I don't know who (if anyone) reads this and I would hate to offend someone or hurt their feelings, so I'm going to try to be very vague. I had a friend I felt met these qualities, but just 2 playdates resulted in me finding out some "deal-breakers". Another friend has issues at home which prevent me from being comfortable over there. I met a couple of women through church who I really felt connected with, but had one playdate with each and have heard nothing since. I've made an attempt or two at setting something up, and all have been met with an excuse as mentioned above. I understand the excuses, but I feel like people would offer an alternate date if they were even interested in hanging out again.

Sigh. I did run into an old friend recently and we really had a great time together when we made time to hang out a couple weeks ago. Unfortunately, a later look at our schedules showed us her "perfect play day" is the opposite of my perfect play day. Awesome.

Are there people who would rather just hang out at home with their kids and NOT be around other adults? Is it the fact that I have 3 or sometimes 4 kids with me that is intimidating? Is it my kids? Is it me? I understand people not wanting to come to my house because it is rather small and we have only one bathroom and we have severely weeded out the toys due to the space constrictions, but I am almost always willing to venture OUT rather than always being the type who invites people here.

I feel like I veered off up above...I usually don't re-read, but I did this time and I didn't connect my thoughts very well. What is happening is I feel as though I'm being avoided after just one playdate. It's happened a couple of times...leading me to believe it's me. Maybe I should just keep the conversation to "about kids" at first. Maybe I don't need to tell people that Shaun and I fight. Maybe I need to keep my mouth shut and not offer up any advice for disciplining/raising kids. I think, instead, I would just appreciate honesty. If someone doesn't think my personality is appealing to them, I do believe it would hurt my feelings less to be told that rather than all of my attempts at getting together being thwarted. Hmmm. Maybe there are some people in my life I should start being more honest to and see if it comes back around. When did we all get so concerned about hurting feelings? The friends I mentioned above are not people I "dislike" for any reason...there is just one reason or another that I feel getting together with our children involved is not a good idea. Maybe we could be friends later when my life is more MINE and less MOM. Maybe.

Saturday Morning

So far this morning we have had numerous breakdowns, several tantrums, scrambled eggs and grapes, cleaning, playing with blocks, 3 poopy diapers, throwing blocks, 2 timeouts, and 1 hour of working on getting the baby down for a nap. It's 9 am. What does the rest of this day hold?

I have been struggling with discipline pretty much the entire time I've been a mom. Spankings? Time-outs? Talking tos? Ignorance? What is the answer? I literally go in circles trying different things. Different combinations. I know consistency is key, but I honestly feel the most important part of consistency is being consistent about what is and isn't allowed. Time out is not always convenient or even possible. Spanking is sometimes only to make myself feel better - when they are REALLY in trouble. You know the rules are clear when they break one and look right at you in anticipation of the response. This leads me to believe sometimes ignoring the behavior is best. Unfortunately, ignoring isn't always easy either. I've heard and read such a range of theories from toddlers' brains being comparable to cave men to using "love and logic" works best. Is there an answer? I don't think so. I think you just have to set ground rules, respond to them appropriately for the infraction, and make sure "downtime" is full of obvious love. When they aren't crying or whining I shower them with affection and praise. When they get cranky, I try to "solve" it or just ignore it. I'm not saying this works for all kids, but it's what I am hoping will work for mine.

While I was typing this (literally 5 minutes), we had quite the show here in the kitchen. Jack got up on the table. I ignored this. Henry got up on the table. Still ignoring. They began to mess with the cord to the light, so I pulled them both off the table and went back to typing. While I pulled them down one of the chairs fell and they then had a fight between the two of them about who was going to pick the chair up. Really? Necessary? No. I was content to let them yell it out, but daddy came in and broke it up. This resulted in everyone crying and whining...until they realized I wasn't picking them up because of it and now they are playing "robot". I just described 2 minutes of our day. 2 minutes. Jealous? I didn't think so.

Thoughtful Lunchtime

Do you ever feel like God is too busy for you? Like maybe there are way more serious things He is working on and you are just left alone to deal with things as they come? This is how I have been feeling lately. I know He is always with me, but I have just been SO down in the dumps and the more I pray the more frustrated I seem to get!! What am I doing wrong? I have been trying to see everything through rose-colored glasses and REALLY focusing on the positives in my life rather than the negatives, but my fuse just seems way too short these days. Know what I'm missing? NEW good. Like, every day is just fine. Okay. Nothing spectacular happens, nothing fancy, no news. Just the day comes, the day goes...there's some fussing from the baby, some tantrums from the boys, I change diapers, cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner, bedtime and boom - next day. Same thing. Just way too monotonous for this girl!! I do recognize this can be a good thing...I wouldn't want any BAD news to replace the NO news, but what about some good stuff? Even just middle of the road good news? I mean, yes, every day my kids wake up healthy and Shaun and I don't fight...I guess that's "good" news. But I just feel stuck in a rut! Bored, bored, bored! I realized yesterday this feeling started about the time my Bible study was winding down. This is the same time I stopped reading. The Bible, that is. So. I think I need to find some time and get back in the good Book. And read me some Good news!

I also feel like I have some stories inside just wanting to get out, so I'd love to find time to get those down on "paper". Unfortunately, we have a separation issue with Zoe and this results in no me-time...unless you count the few hours at a time she is sleeping overnight. When I, too, am attempting to get some winks in. I just keep reminding myself...these days will not be forever. Just a warning, though - don't tell me it goes by fast. No matter how much I enjoy the present, it will always feel it went by too fast.

Talk soon.

Mediocre

(**This is something I wrote a week or so ago, and just wanted to post it.)

It’s not a bad word. Not necessarily. It’s just frustrating. Time and time again in my life I have felt mediocre. So-so. Middle of the road. Does it ever stop? Does everyone feel like this? I know all about the grass is greener syndrome. Felt it most of my life, honestly. Thing is I have always just been okay. When I played sports growing up I was good. Never the best. Never the worst. Never won MVP for anything, never won most improved. Typically started off playing good at the beginning of the season and, even though I feel I truly tried, ended the season still just “good”. Not amazing. Not star quality. I felt looked over at all the sports banquets. I’ve never been pretty enough to be in pageants; never been ugly enough for an “Extreme Makeover”. I haven’t been fat enough for Biggest Loser; don’t work out enough to be a personal trainer or have my own fitness DVD’s. Worked my way up in one of my first jobs of adulthood to be 3rd manager…actually, did this at two different companies. Not manager, just an assistant. I always saw something shiny that would drag me off in another direction. I didn’t graduate high school at the top of my class OR at the bottom. I do believe I was smack in the middle. Didn’t completely flunk out of college, but I definitely wasn’t in the running for valedictorian either. In my various jobs I’ve held, I was always good…sometimes really good. But it always felt like someone was better. I guess it’s good to have something to strive for, right? Well, now I am married with four children. Not enough children for a reality series. The kids aren’t naughty enough for Supernanny. My husband and I don’t have one specific ridiculous problem to get us up there on the Marriage Ref. Nobody will ever knock on our door to do an Extreme Home Makeover. There will not be any telethons for us. Most recently there was some major flooding here in Nashville – you may have heard?  Well, it feels awful to say, but we didn’t even get any flood damage. I definitely don’t want this to sound like complaining. I don’t mean to make light of the fact that some people lost everything and are having to literally start from scratch. I wouldn’t trade places with those people, honestly. But I can be honest and say there is a little part of my mind which thinks, “Hmmm…think of all the people who would come out of the woodwork to help around the house if we HAD gotten hit?” It’s the same part of my mind speaking up to say, “You can’t leave your husband just because he annoys you…people would only come around to offer help if he was cheating, or abusing.” Sick thoughts, but I can’t possibly be the only one who has them! At church yesterday the pastor was telling the stories of some flood victims. I don’t doubt it is tragic that the family who just bought a home and worked their butts off to make it the perfect house for their family and then promptly lost everything in the storm. Do you think those people would ever speak up and let someone know they actually hated their furniture and are looking forward to new pieces? Do you think people might be a little glad to have the time off work and maybe they’ll use this time, not only to gut their home, but also to sneak a peek on the internet for a new job? Is it wrong to think these things? I think it is exactly what makes us human. It’s all a little bit of sinning. The green-eyed monster is always there showing us how this person is handling their situation so much better than you. This person goes to church AND Sunday School AND joins a community group, still finding time to volunteer for flood clean-up. This person has 4 kids and home-schools. Who do I think I am? I complain and I only have all four kids at home on the weekends. When my husband is there, too. It’s so easy to bog yourself down with the thoughts and dreams of a better life. Do you think rich people have these same dreams? I always thought it would just be the best thing ever to win the lottery. I wonder what stresses people out when they have all that money? Trying to decide what to do with it? Trying to agree with your spouse? Keeping your kids level-headed? All problems I would like to try to have.  Sorry, but I’ve done the paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle long enough. Always just one job loss away from having to call relatives for cash. I wouldn’t trade ANY of my blessings for others. I wouldn’t want one of my children diagnosed with cancer just so we could get a new house. I wouldn’t want to lose a child or my spouse or any family member in a tragic way, just for our spot on the nightly news. I definitely love all that I have, but I think the most basic way to put this…I want more. There. I said it. I don’t feel good about it, but I just want more! I want more money padding our bank account, I want more vacations with my family, I want more vacations with just my husband, I want more STUFF to fill my house! I want more house!! I want more clothes to choose from. I want more self-discipline to diet! I want, want, want, want. Ever feel that way? Am I the only one?

Morning

Oh, to have a morning where I could wake up, make the coffee, sit back and watch whatever I want on tv with no interruptions. Ahhh. Sounds relaxing, doesn't it?

Well, that is the exact morning my husband had. While I was in the kitchen making two cheeseburger pies, fixing bowls of cereal, making Zoe's breakfast, snacking on ham so I don't faint from hunger, all the while trying to keep it somewhat tidy because I HATE hearing from him what a mess the kitchen is. I guess I didn't do such a great job at that because he made sure to come in and comment on how all he does around here is "sweep and clean". I try to ignore him. I really, really do. However, I have not perfected my anger control just yet, so I'm fuming and my body temp goes up to what feels like 400 degrees and then I have to go back into the overly hot kitchen and listen to whining. I tried to make myself some toast to eat...the twins ate that.

One happy place this morning...I got my cup of coffee in and managed to drink it before it was cold. Thank you, God. That was honestly just the break I needed. Have to end this now...Henry is tugging on my pant leg and crying loudly that he needs "bread". If his screaming is any indication, he will most likely die with some bread. I must go!

Talk soon.

Another Great Wednesday!

Whew!! A roller coaster of a day, for sure. This morning was rough. Zoe was clingy, the twins couldn't decide whether they wanted to finish their breakfast or play with blocks or take turns smacking Zoe in the head! I would try to nurse her and she would latch for 2 minutes, then change her mind. I would put her down to try to clean up some of the mess the twins created during the 2 minutes, and she would start fussing again. Both boys are still on Augmentin for ear infections discovered last week, so they have had some AWFUL diapers and worse diaper rash! So, between changing dirty diapers and carrying 20 pounds of cranky baby...I was SO ready to head out for Bible study!! Unfortunately, when Zoe finally did decide to eat, the twins rediscovered the broom and mop (Rule #4. Don't touch the cleaning supplies!) and went into "mommy and daddy's room" (Rule #7. Stay out of mommy and daddy's room!) and began stacking the single cup coffee maker K-cups. Sigh. I carried the big girl on the Boppy (yes, latched on) to kick the boys out of the room and then sat on the bed and listened to what sounded like trashing the kitchen!! Awesome. The baby nursed, nursed, nursed...half an hour at least. When she finished, I burped her and attempted to lay her down for long enough for me to get the boys strapped in the car. She woke up. Started screaming. Fabulous. Amidst the chaos I managed to get the diapers bags packed and everyone dressed with sippy cups in hand and out the door. Right on time!

Bible study rocks my world every week. Seriously. This week I hadn't found time to do more than read the verses (Galatians 6:1-10), so I figured it would be more of a listening day. Boy did I hear some things I needed to hear! Thank you, God. I left feeling stronger as a mother, better equipped for my afternoon, and ready to talk over some things with my husband! The afternoon was great...not to say the kids didn't do their best to bring me down, but I handled it with more grace than I think I've ever felt. I just prayed over each time I started to lose my temper and I would calmly explain things to the boys and then move on to whatever it was I needed to do. They took good naps this afternoon and I even took all three (twins and Zoe) to the grocery store after naptime! We headed over to my friend, Mary's, house - the twins just love her sons, so we hung out there for a bit. Mary and I have been friends for 10 years and I really enjoy spending time with her. She is also in my Bible study and had missed today, so I filled her in on all she missed. When we got home, Shaun and Conner had dinner ready! We ate outside and Shaun and I even got to have a great conversation while the boys played in the back. We discussed some things we needed from each other and promised to try to be more understanding about each other's stressful days and not take things out on each other as much. It was a great conversation. We haven't talked like that in a long time!! I have gotten much more comfortable lately with explaining things to him in "faith terms". Just ended the day on a truly happy note!!

I feel that I learned to just turn to prayer in ALL my times of need. I've been getting frustrated with myself a lot lately concerning the kids. I feel like I get so angry and I blow up and I call my mom to vent and nothing ever gets "solved". Nothing seems to change. Today I prayed through everything and it truly did change things! The boys still pitched fits and disobeyed a bit, but my reaction to it made them stop quicker. Or just made me ignore it better? Either way, I like it! I like it when I feel God's response. When I pray for patience to "ride the storm" and I experience it almost immediately...that is the kind of "instant gratification" that I just crave sometimes. It truly amazes me each and every day how powerful prayer is! I never want to lose this level of excitement!!

I do have one testimonial to the power of prayer and the awesomeness of God. I have been a little stressed about how to pay for the twins' parent's day out program in May. I kept going between having faith that the Lord would provide and still looking at my bank account balance that did NOT include the extra money! (or so I thought) Well, I was praying there would be a bonus on Shaun's check so I would have the lump sum at once and would know just where it needed to go...Friday morning, I checked our account balance and his check was actually $200 short!! Due to this predicament, I called our landlord to let him know the rent would be a couple days late (18 months of paying on time resulted in him being completely understanding), and began rebudgeting. Which is when I realized I had overlooked an "extra" paycheck back in January (thanks to Shaun being paid every other week instead of twice a month)...guess how much extra money I have? Enough to pay May daycare! God is SOOOO GOOD! Even Shaun was impressed. I had been telling him all month, "I am praying about the money we need and I know God will make sure we have it in time."

Talk soon.

Just some thoughts!

Parenting is literally the hardest job I have ever had. It is a constant struggle within…how to teach, how to relax, how to keep them safe. I know just being around me is enough for them, but I am always feeling like I should be doing more. Are they learning anything right now? What else could we be doing? They seem to like this, let’s try this…or this…or maybe we should do something different. I’ve read that book sixteen times, they can’t possibly want to read it again. I am always trying to think of my next 6 steps with the kids. What time did we eat breakfast? Do they want a snack? What time should we do lunch? What should we have for lunch? How do I coordinate their nap with needing to go to the grocery store? Three kids rarely results in a simultaneous naptime (weekends are practically a lost cause with all four home), so making sure the eating and playing and resting and all of the above happen at just the right time is exhausting. Then there is the constant voice in the back of my mind telling me all the errands I could be running. What time can I fit those in? Could I do them when my husband gets home from work? Is that fair to him? When was the last time they had a bath? Gorgeous weather outside, should we play in the yard? Go to the park? Go to the zoo? Do I have sunscreen? Does laundry need to be done? (of course it does) Is the dishwasher ready to be run? (of course it is) Do we have soap? Toilet paper? Paper towels? Shampoo? Conditioner? Diapers? Diapers? Diapers?!?!?!?!? Have the kids had enough to eat? Have they had anything to drink? When was the last time I changed them? Is the bathroom door closed and locked? Kitchen gated off? Every time I use a knife I have to make sure it is put away from the edge of the counter…and the kids get taller…so you make sure the knife is put farther back. Then they figure out how to use chairs or stools or ride-on toys or boxes or ANYTHING to stand on and reach the knives. Attempting to have the kids help with every day chores has been a total bust for me. Laundry. They hate to fold, love to unfold. Love to put on everything that is “mine” (theirs). Putting away dishes – this is how plates get broken. Knives get discovered. Most things get licked. What is that? Put books back on the shelf. Yeah right. Books are apparently made to be scattered on the floor…who knew? Kids know.
I pray constantly. I pray for patience. I pray for guidance. I pray for them to go to sleep. I pray for them to sit down and behave and just give me a spare second to use the bathroom in peace! They want to be with me always. Sitting in my lap. Doing nothing. Unfortunately, I am not made of that kind of material. DOING is what I do best! BEING is tricky. Go, go, go. If we’re not going, we might as well be sleeping! Even when I’m sleeping I’m busy! Waking up, checking all four kids, going to the bathroom, getting something to drink, do I hear someone crying?, checking the thermostat, back to sleep…one hour later up going through the same motions. I wake up in a panic that someone was crying and I may have slept through it. Does the baby need to nurse? I think she may have been fussing? Covers check in the boys’ room. Shirt change because I’m leaking. Bathroom stop again. Kitchen for another drink of water.
I have often thought this would be easier if I could turn off my brain. Or just click it back 20 years. Okay, maybe 25 years.  If I wasn’t constantly thinking of a million different things, maybe I could just enjoy the time with them as they enjoy their time with me. If we’re in the living room, I thinking about cleaning the kitchen. When we’re in the kitchen, I’m thinking about the mound of laundry. When I’m doing laundry, I’m thinking of the mess in the boys’ room…or Zoe’s room…or the closets…or the bathroom. Or the boxes in the attic. It’s like I can never just chill. Just relax and live in the moment. Such a beautiful, romantic concept. I have the grass is greener syndrome. If we only had a bigger house, if I was working full time and only home on weekends, if this, if that…what? Would any of it make a difference? If I can’t enjoy my time with my kids, what makes me think anything is going to change that other than ME? My faith in the Lord is what I am trying to rely fully on. My trust that He has my best interests at heart, constantly. But I cannot turn off my mind.
My prayer. Father, please help me to live in the moment. Please help me to see opportunities when I can get things done and make the most of those times. Please be with me as I try to maintain patience through the tantrums, help me to be outwardly calm and ride the storm when there is nothing I can do to make peace with one of my children. Please guide me through each day with your perfect nature and I pray that you will allow me to make the most of all my time with my family. Whether it be something simple like reading a book seventeen times, or something complex like showing them how to draw. I pray for forgiveness for my harsh words and I pray that they would be removed from my vocabulary. I pray that you will guide me so I may be the best human role model for my children. I pray that you would help me to show them how wonderful You are. Help me to glorify Your name in their presence, so they, too, will come to You in times of need. Amen.