Monday, June 23, 2008

I cry and I cry and I cry...

it accomplishes nothing. A quick disclaimer for this post: There are absolutely NO thoughts of suicide and/or homicide. This is my only means of therapy and I'm going to be frank. You can still be whoever you are. :) That cheered me up a little. I'm so tired of being broke. I'm tired of borrowing money. I'm tired of being bailed out by family members. I'm just plain tired of all of it. I would like to get back to some normalcy. Money in the checking account, a little padding in the savings account, husband bitching about his job without me worrying he will come home early tomorrow, me going to work and coming home and enjoying my time with my family. Enough of my stomach dropping just because I see Shaun's car in the driveway earlier than expected. Enough of not even checking the account because I don't want to see the red numbers with the negative sign in front. Just plain ENOUGH. The possible living situation requires a co-signer. I'm not comfortable asking anyone in my family because I don't have an actual job yet. Of course, they are all very confident I will find one easily, but I don't have one secured. It's not enough that Shaun is working...not with his track record. He doesn't seem to get it. He thinks my family is being mean because they don't trust him...I'd like to know when exactly he feels he earned any trust. They all think he's a great guy and a great father, but they really haven't yet seen that he can hold one job for longer than 6 months. And that one time it went for 6 months pretty much looks like a fluke right about now. Unfortunately, his family has bad credit, so they can't help. The one thing that makes me smile every minute of my day is my boys. They are the cutest, most amazing, perfect creatures I have ever laid eyes on and, sometimes, my crying is simply because I love them more than I can even describe. There are no words to explain how I feel when I look at them. I sneak in the twins room every night several times just to watch them sleep. On weekends, when they're napping, I could sit in there and stare all day. (at least all two hours) Conner drives me crazy with his 2 year old tantrums, but then he will look at me, pat the seat next to him and say, "Mama" and my heart melts. Literally, melts. I don't remember life before them, I don't want to ever think about life without them again. They absolutely, positively, 100% complete me. They are the reason I was born. Not a second of my day goes by without a thought about what Conner is getting in to, or what Jack might be learning, or what Henry is observing. I will admit to enjoying my alone time, but sometimes I feel a desperation just to be with them again. Wow. Sounds like I'm hooked, huh? I just wish things would fall into place all at once! It seems like everything will be just awful, then one thing will look better, then another, then another...just when I start to get excited, something I didn't even plan on going wrong will! Then I just get down and things start to tumble. We dust off, try again, and the cycle continues. I know everyone has problems like this, but I just don't know how to keep going. How do you get past wanting to just throw in the towel and move back in with your parents and curl up in the fetal position and pretend YOU are the baby again? How do you take slap after slap in the face and still go right on pushing that rock up the hill? I have felt a desperate need to get to church for a while now, but I still manage to keep making excuses each Sunday. My excuses are beginning to sound pathetic to even me. I've never been one for religion, but I do recognize my spiritual needs are not being met. I just don't even try to find time to quietly pray and reflect anymore. Maybe that's something I had hoped this blog would provide me...a medium for my jumbled thoughts. A way to get everything out and then go back and re-read later. I'm tired now. Crying will do that to a girl.

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